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As I promised in my earlier article (you came back for more, I see) I would make a rant about emo.
Now if you have a horrific knowledge of the kingdom animalia, you might not know that the bird I'm referring to is the
emu, a prime member of the family joining panda bears and snails in the family that is referred to as useless.
Anyway, now that we are on the same page, let us discuss the issue at hand: emo. The average emo person is the student
dressed in all black (including fingernails to show that they are half-female) who is always looking down on the ground. But
come on, nothing's wrong with their life, they're probably wearing pink barney underwear right now.
Before I continue, I must address that some people really do have difficult and tumultuous lives filled with tragedy,
and by no means do such people qualify as followers of emo and by no means should they take offense by my comments.
Enough with exceptions and preparatory knowledge, let's see why emo sucks. In essence, emo basically means that you are
so damn lazy or uninspired in life that you have decided to make it a fad to be depressed. Not since the Macarena has such
a horrible fad been introduced into American culture (plus, at least you could do a dance for the Macarena or laugh at people
doing it)
Now there are two reasons why emo is just retarded. The first reason is that most people who are "emo" don't
really have anything to complain about.
Emo: "Oh my god, my math homework took me an entire 15 minutes, life isn't worth living *twists his body into the
sign of an emo and yells SIGHHH"
Maximus: " That's quite an interesting bird call, you lazy ass."
At first, emo didn't bother me that much. I can stand watching a few people listening to their ipods which they painted
black. It's good to have a little mix in society. But when emo becomes a revolution and when you mutter the word life, everyone
starts sighing and turning on their ipods, then it becomes a problem.
I will say this as clear and politely as possible: Bitching and Moaning will not get you anywhere (ironically, I'm doing
just that) It's ok to complain once in a while, but if you are going to spend your entire day/week/year/life (you may not
have known this, but this is a multiple choice exam) just complaining about the insignificant things in life, then you're
pretty much making other people depressed and eventually you're gonna get gored by an emu for giving it a bad name.
Complaining has never gotten people anywhere. Aaron Burr complained about illegitimately losing the presidency, and he
eventually got accused for treason. Ross Perot complained for the same reasons(except he lost using charts and saying: Now
wait just a minute!) and he lost. Hitler complained about getting rejected from art school and he became a dictator (umm,
ok I can be wrong once in a while, eh whatever)
The second reason why I hate emo is that it gives peopole who have truly enduring lives a bad name.
Basically, the people who ought to be depressed in life strive to live normal and even exemplary lives because they have
the willpower to excel. While those who are blessed with favorable circumstances choose to follow an emotional fad and trade
in their designer t-shirts for torn up clothing which costs twice as much, just so that they can, for some reason, facade
their truly glamorous lives and embody a life of sorrow.
Now as I am listening to yahoo launch music, a song just came up by Good Charlotte. I despise this group so much that
I think it would be good to talk about how these are the "emo heroes." (and I'm quite confident God is so pissed
off at them that he sent this to me as a sign to bash them and an alternative punishment of flooding the earth, so listen
up or you shall be smitten)
It's quite interesting that they make millions by playing pop music while writing lyrics which are practically complaints
in a voice which compels you to look outside and wonder if a cat is being abused, yet they make millions influencing people
that pop sucks. Thanks a lot emo for forcing me to have to listen to this stuff when I'm too lazy to get up. I don't know
about you, but I theorize that the Backstreet Boys got some makeup and attitude adjustments, and they became Good Charlotte.
I'm sure little Melvin is asking the question: Gee Maximus, I have a dark view on life, does that necessarily mean that
I'm an emo? To answer your question Melvin, the answer is no. Being a dark romantic doesn't necesarily infer that you are
an emo. There is a rule of thumb for such a situation: does your behavior mimic that of a useless, flightless bird, or does
your behavior try to mimic the awesomeness of Batman( Robin doesn't count because if he didn't have his motorcycle, he'd be
hosting queer eye for the straight guy). Now, I don't care who the hell you are, if you're Batman (and you give me the Batmobile
and Batgirl for 24 hours), then you are damn awesome.
Yes Melvin, Batman isn't real, but you aren't either, so go to your room and start writing poetry by yourself. But the
story goes that he lost his parents, then someone offered him an ipod and he pawned it for a rubber suit and a pet bat (he
couldn't afford a dog), and then he became awesome.
So, what have we learned here today. Well, if you haven't noticed yet, don't be emo, you should have known that before
you even read this. Anyway, we also learned that being emo just means that you've given up on your awesome life and decided
to become deaf and listen to Good Charlotte. Third, we learned that there are people who have truly difficult lives who should
be admired for their courage and vivacity. Finally, we learned not to mimic the emu( ever been chased by a bird which can
go as fast as your car?) but rather to mimic Batman (remember, not Robin.)
So, the next time you see an emo (if you see an emu, either feed it something or run like hell) go unleash a bat on him
and tell him to go find a job and start wearing some light colors.
-Maximus
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