Article #16: The "Axe" Effect on your ego

For those of you that do not know, Axe is a deodorant body spray and I think they have a body wash now. The only problem I have with Axe is their advertising which is so blatantly deceiving that it makes the FCC pure hypocrites.

Before I begin my rant, I'd like to say that this is not dedicated exclusively to Axe, there are other companies which use sex appeal to sell their product, which, albeit might work in some situations, is extremely degrading and is potentially a minor cause of all of the problems men and women have today.

Now in order for the dedicated reader (my readers are so dedicated that they only read this website; they don't read other websites, and if they do then they are backstabbers, backstabbers I say!) to understand where I'm coming from, I would like to describe two axe commercials: one is recent and one is from a few weeks ago.

Commercial 1 (from past): A pizza delivery guy wears some Axe before delivering his pizza at this one house. (Much to his surprise!) it is actually a sorority house and three beautiful women come out of the door. Apparently they cannot pay for the pizza and so they say in a sultry voice, "Oh how will we pay for this pizza?" and of course the camera leaves and then puts up an Axe slogan -- unless your blind (if you are I'm curious why you are trying to read this,) you would pretty much know that Axe is claiming the guy will have a 4-some that night.

Commercial 2 (from present): This is a very vague commercial in which the camera is placed outside of a normal bathroom. A girl, again hot and about 25 yeras old, is bathing some guy in a bath tub (supposed to be like moms bathing their children) and then she asks "how old are you?" and then you hear this guy say he is 22 and then once again, the Axe slogan comes up.

I'm under the impression that Axe commercials are just the first 30-seconds of pornos, but still, it is pretty stupid that they would even think that people would be stupid enough to believe that it would actually happen in real life.

Much to my dismay, I have come to find out that people are that stupid; it turns out that if you don't wear axe deodorant, then you're not hip; and another brand called TAG has had even more rambunxtious ads in order to counter Axe in which they screw the situation (no pun intended) and just go straight to the guy meeting the girl.

Yes yes, society is driven by sex. I'm not going to fight that or anything, but if I want to buy something like toothpaste or deodorant, why don't you just tell me that it smells good or makes my breathe fresh? If I buy a stick of gum, I expect my breathe to be fresh; I don't expect anything more than that.

I'm sure there is some 40 year old guy with no job and no car (perhaps one who works with books for a living, just perhaps, don't get ahead of me people) out right now who is practically soaked in this stuff expecting to get laid tonight with no luck.

Rather than blaming the poor individuals who were stupid enough to believe these campaigns, isn't it more important to question the industries who totally manipulate a man's family jewels just to sell their product.

I will admit that I do admire Axe for at least getting to the point. It seems like every commercial has some sexual connotation or innuendo, but at least Axe brings it upfront. But on the same token, they embellish the situation and make people like our 40 year old a few paragraphs ago look like idiots.

I can proudly say that I have tried both Axe and Right Guard (which actually has commercials, some even funny, which actually uses the word deodorant) and I can say that I choose Right Guard.

Why you ask? Axe does not last as long, has a very light smell and every single different variation (phoenix, touch, jupiter, pluto, gemini, Darth Vader, although I will admit if they did make a Darth Vader variation (it was a joke you moron) then that would be pretty cool) smells exactly the same. But if there is a new variation then new commercials are on their way and everyone has to buy it because there's about two more molecules of potporri in it.

Now, as always, Melvin must ask; "Gee Maximus, why is this important?" Well my good Melvin, there is always a lesson to learn. In this case, I guess the only thing to learn is not to be deceived by advertising, which is in itself, an extremely broad topic which could easily merit an entire book. I'm not saying that Axe is a bad product, it does its purpose to an extent.

But still, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but there isn't really anything that's going to be your "it" factor. Not that watch, not that leather jacket, not that pair of sneakers; with a few exceptions. If you are wearing a rolex watch, an alligator skin leather jacket and those new Adidas 1 running shoes (good but 250 bucks, I better be able to fly in those things for that price, except why would you need shoes if you were flying? p.s.: awesome commercial) then you might have some more luck.

If you buy something, buy it for what it is. If you're in the market for some deodorant, then go buy some Axe or Right Guard or Old Spice or whatever. If you want some clothes to make you look good then go buy some clothes. But there's no product that is going to turn a pizza delivery guy into the recepient of a 4some in exchange for pizza unless thats some really good pizza and thats an overqualified pizza delivery guy or have a 22 year old get washed down by a 25 year old, except for the product known as Maximus; but that won't be out for a while.