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After observing several libraries, I have come to the conclusion that every, or at least most, librarians have some sort of
problem. Today, we will embark (haha, tree) on a journey about the normal types of librarians before we get kicked out.
Now, all libraries are sanctuaries of some sort. As long as you're not making noise, you should be able to beat a guy
down with a stick (or a book in mock irony of the library.) Nevertheless, it seems like every librarian has their reason for
pegging you down because of the problems in their lives.
Before I begin, it is important to address (haha ranch dressing, alright I'll stop word assocation) that these are just
the streotypical librarians, I'm sure there are some normal librarians somewhere.
The insecure bunny: I used to believe that bunnies were harmless little furry rats(except for the diseases and such),
before I watched Monty Python and the Holy Grail, and from that, we can justify why the insecure bunny can make your cramming
at the library equivalent to getting hit with a football in the groin.
It is the librarian's job to simply make sure that everyone is quiet and help people find and check out books; that's
all. But insecure bunnies are horrible at the former because they don't have the fortitude to do something if someone starts
talking (or lighting books on fire.) Although these people are good at heart, if they can't lay down the law and sit a student
down and tell him to go to hell, then they will never be respected (or enjoy their job). I know that if I was a librarian
and someone started talking, I'd probably tell him that he was an ass for being obnoxious and that I'd snap his scrotum in
a copy of Things Fall Apart.
It is true that librarians should be a bit reserved because they are in an environment where everybody has to shut up,
but even the greatest literary minds would probably enjoy some violence while reading a good book (or vice versa.) If Edgar
Allen Poe was still alive, he'd probably bring a cain with him and beat anyone who disturbed his reading. Dickenson would
attempt to smile and blind the guy.
When some jerk does begin to be extremely rebellious
Maximus: Hey, I'm taking a nap, shut up or go home.
Guy: NOO I'M AWESOME AND EVERYONE HAS TO LISTEN TO ME FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIFE
Emo: *Turns on iPod
Librarian: *Hides in the corner pretending that nothing happened and starts reading Dr. Seuss.
Maximus: Ok, that's quite enough, I'll take a nap at home.
So, what have we learned from the insecure bunny. Simply put, the bunny needs to gain some confidence and learn how to
take charge of the library. Although we have complained thoroughly about this character, this is by far the most common and
the best of the three (you know, like that whichisworse site where you decide if you'd rather freeze or burn to death) librarians.
An aged Napoleon Dynamite: For those of you who haven't watched the movie (It actually was a good movie, but every dumbass
in society made it a fad to watch that movie and compare themselves with him) Napoleon Dynamite is an extremely weird, extremely
sarcastic guy who feeds his llama leftover food, learns how to dance, who spends time on online chatrooms and who's best friend
is an illegal immigrant who is rather ambitious.
Anyway, now that we are all up to speed, let's look at why the aged Napoleon Dynamite is a bit different because an aged
Napoleon Dynamite is someone who is still in his awkward phase despite the fact that he is 30 years old, doesn't own a car
and gets pissed off if you ask him about books.
The aged Napoleon Dynamite(lets call him AND from now on, not to be confused with NAD or Nicotinamide Adenine Dinucleotide)
is someone who would have castrated himself when he was 13 if he knew he was going to be a librarian in the future. He probably
had some great and ambitious aspiratiosn in life, but he got drunk the night before taking the MCATs, and now he works in
the library.
Despite the fact that the event occured about 15 years ago, he still remembers it every day that he wakes up and is ready
to unleash it upon your students. In essence, I would say he is the best guidance counselor.
Melvin: If I work hard, can I be a doctor?
AND: No.. you might as well become my apprentice and pawn your books, you won't be needing them here.
When it comes to books, he practically knows nothing, he shows his creativity and ingenuinity by finding new ways to kick
your out of the library. For example, yours truly has been kicked out twice in one day for listening to music and taking a
nap and then the next day for "using my calculator as if it was a gameboy." Out of spite, I decided to intentionally
eat food while making a phone call a few days later out of spite. Anyway, the fact is that whatever you are doing, there is
always a reason why you should be kicked out of the library. According to the AND, the library is his turf, and you're invading
his yard, so get the hell out...
In addition, he will find any reason that he can find for making fun of you. If you got stood up at prom, then you're
bound to find this guy in sight. Fell in the mud, even better. If you feel you are too much of a wimp, you can ask this guy
to teach you how to make bitingly sarcastic insults (or you can just ask him how are you doing this fine morning), but if
you have a problem and don't care, then beware, because you're going to get that insult pre-cooked.
Finally, AND is very quirky and new-age. He may be in his 50s, but he's sporting his own iPod and when no-one's around
(or so he thinks) he will listen to Eminem at full blast while playing Starcraft. AND is still living in high school, just
without the hopes and aspirations.
The Hobo which won't stop staring at your privates:
Now, I will make this last one quite brief. If this is your librarian, go take a nap elsewhere. If you encounter a poster
of Hansen within 5 meet of them, then that is a sure-fired way to know that something is up and you should get the hell out
of there.
Thse librarians are the kind of guys which force you to question the integrity of the job-selection process, and in some
cases, the top two librarians can coincide with this one.
Most of the time, guys don't have to worry, but girls beware and make sure that you have a copy of minor-major state-law
with you at all times along with some pepper spray and a hamburger (in case you accidently encounter me, because I would really
appreciate a hamburger.)
Alright, I'm tired of typing, let's conclude. Once again, not all librarians fit this criterion, and this comes from a
generalization of this job description. Whether your librarian hides in the corner, laughs at you from the corner, or compels
you to meet him in the corner, then it's pretty clear that you should find a new place to nap (or do something with your books,
whatever it may be)
-Maximus
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