I'm sure that we can all agree that there are some weird people around us. I'll be honest (not that
I lie or anything, QUIET YOU!) but this article was inspired by the school-shooting incident in Minnesota. On a serious note,
my deepest sympathies to those who were affected.
Now, I will teach you how to avoid this incident: you have to be nice to weird people. If you have
seen Billy Madison (very funny, it's about a guy who's jealous of a penguin and repeats all 12 grades.) Anyway, from that
movie, it is evident that one FREAKING PHONE CALL can help you to dodge a bullet in the arse, literally. Would you like
to get shot in your captain's quarters? (is that a reference to the lower back or to one's scrotum? anyway I'm talking about
the lower back) If your answer is yes then I may have to nominate you for a Darwin award. I shall split up weird people
into three types of people, and if you fall under this category, then know that you have a friend (especially if you have
a weapon, p.s.: don't kill Maximus, that ain't cool.) The three types of people are: emo, white guys with spiked hair (not
all of them, but you know who I'm talking about), and Melvin.
I know that I have already written an article about emo and why it's stupid, but I feel it necessary
to go back over the issue, just like you feel it necessary to take a nap more than once on fridays. Perhaps it is the deafining
effects of Good Charlotte, perhaps it is the awful poetry which is warranted by rhyming the words "sad" and "bad," and did
I mention "fad" (oh, snap, ah yes, I went there) but for whatever reason, emos are convinced that since their name originates
from a bird, that they have a right to be pissed off in life. To them, I say, what if your last name was Focker or Gugen-Hymen
(hahahahah) Gugen-Hymen, that one is a keeper. They also have gone color-blind because they wear black all the time.
Now that we have successfully analyzed who an emo is, let us see why they are dangerous. Emos have
kind of given up on life, or at least they like to appear that way. If you innocuously insult them, they take it as an incentive
to kill you.
Maximus: Those fries have a lot of salt on them, a bit too much salt if you ask me.
Emo: *turns on iPod. You'll pay for that.
Maximus: I'm not spending my money on fries that are marred with salt, but I will go for a cheeseburger.
Emo: First 15 minutes of math homework, then only 5 hours of television and 10 hours of sleep, now
this; life isn't worth living and I'll take someoen down with me.
So they get easily pissed off, and the best way to prevent any bad tension is to conform with them
a bit. Always wear a black undershirt in case you see one pass you by, and paint a small box of trading cards black to pose
as an iPod. If you ever go near them, put your head down and don't make eye contact. You could also blast a Good Charlotte
cd if you want their full respect (I don't recomment it though, you're trying to get off their hit list, not win the gold
medal... that is presuming that there is a gold medal in this category)
Now that we have discussed the emo, let us discuss white guys with spiked hair. The category of which
I am describing does not include all white guys with spiked hair, it's kind of hard to describe who these people are, they
are just guys who try and personify a rebel, except that they rebel together, which is kind of conforming (ironic, isn't it,
yes that is a paradox if you were wondering, and I know that you were wondering, I should probably write an article about
these guys later; I commandeth thee to remind me.)
The only reason why these guys are dangerous is because they crave attention and they will do the
stupidest things that even you could not fathum (sp?) in your wildest dreams. I think the only way to describe this is when
I went to some charity walk and then there was this guy trying to light a cup of water on fire (that's worthy of an article,
god I'm writing too many rainchecks for articles) and smoke came out and he did that for about a mile just so people would
pay attentio.
Essentially, they would probably do something bad just for the shock effect.
Spikey hair: Wouldn't it be totally rad (yes, they use the word rad, as in radish) if I lit myself
on fire?
Maximus: It would sure impress me
Spikey hair: I'm on fire, I'm dying and my circulatory and integumentary system are dying by the
second, AWESOME.
Maximus: Haha, that's the truth spikey!
I learned something from a person who shall also remain disclosed on Dayquil day. During the emergency
drill, she remained completely calm and although at first I thought it was stupid, that was a pretty ingenious way to not
get hurt by white guys with spiked hair. If you don't give them some sort of reaction, then they have no reason to hurt you
in any way or do anything stupid for that matter.
Now, let's see, how can we get off of these people's hit list? The first thing that you should do
is wear some ridiculously stupid t-shirt with some obscene comment (not to be confused with vintage t-shirts or t-shirts with
cool comments, that deserves another article) like: I ROCK. You'll feel stupid and you probably would lose an IQ point, but
at least you would remain off of someone's hit list. You could also start skateboarding or talk about that insanely awesome
time that you did a 900 on Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2000 or whatever the devil number it's at. BUT, the best way to simply get
off their hit list is to say DUDE.
If you ever feel that you are going to be jumped by like 50 white guys with spiked hair, say the
following:
DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE (*dies of loss of breathe, haha well so much
for that hit list)
Anyway, if you don't want to get hurt by white guys with spiked hair, then just act like a skateboarder
or a rebel or something like that.
Finally, let us analyze Melvin. Now, in order to personify Melvin (you may know him from my other
articles) I would like to take a quote off of Family Guy from this one character (I forgot his name, he is Neil (that nerdy
kid who likes Meg)'s father, I think his name is Norton or something)
Situation: Norton's dating tape
"AHH, could you please turn down that blinding light, it's burning my retinas. Listen ladies, I have
very low standards, my name is (I forgot) and I live in my mother's basement. *sneezes OH GOD there's blood in my mucus."------
End tape.
If you understood that or watched that part, you would wholly understand what I'm talking about,
if you didn't, then too bad.
The problem with Melvin's is that they are kind of like emos except that they actually have something
to complain about because they weren't blessed with too many qualities. To be honest, these guys aren't very volatile or dangerous.
They usually stay at home; they really aren't stupid enough to attack someone else.
Still, you should conform a bit or at least be nice to them. Discuss some good science-fiction with
them or tell them that you understand oxidative decarboxylation (I know i do, because KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, you'd have to see
a Family Guy episode, the one where Peter has birds in his beard, to understand that one, sorry I had to put it in, actually
I'm not sorry I'm writing this, so I will write about Family Guy as I please.)
They most likely don't have a hit list, but you never know when they go nuts, so don't maek fun of
them and strike some conversation.
By now, if you have listened to what I have said (which is impossible because I didn't say anything,
I'm typing it, haha, yes, I went there (ps I've been using that phrase a lot, it's also from Family Guy)) you've probably
saved yourself 3 bullets in your captain's quarters.
No need to thank me, although I would be much obliged if you did (holds out an empty can), well I
hope that by being a little nicer and being a little bit more accepting of weird people (I didn't mention allo f them, just
three types) perhaps we can make our schools a bit safer.
Well after writing two articles in one day, I feel like I have been overly-ambitious or overly workaholic,
you know i haven't said workahol in a long time. So workahol, workahol workahol.
Enjoy your Spring Break (I'll be studying!) and remember, never spill Diet Coke into your remote
control, I learned that lesson last week; unrelated but still damn important.
- Maximus
