Now, I'm sure everyone is wondering why I have been absent
for a few days. No, I didn't get a life yet, but you're sweet for thinking that. If you remember my AMP article, it turns
out that I got sick about two weeks ago, then was healthy for about as long as Michael Moore can abstain from a buffet table
and then I got sick again except far more. I'm almost healthy except for the fact that my nose is as clogged as Michael Moore's
arteries (alright I'll stop with the Michael Moore jokes, I just feel obligated to piss off one of my readers.)
Anyway, let us get to the point of the article, Dayquil. If you're not aware, Dayquil is an
extremely strong cold medicine. Yesterday, I decided to have some Dayquil before I went to school, and
it was awesome.
Now, I haven't really looked at any of the ingredients in Dayquil, nor do I want to, but I
am under the impression that it is 50% vodka. I may have never had alcohol before, but I know how it makes people act, and
I was halfway there. Everything felt significant, it was cool.
In addition to being cool, my cold was completely gone. I was as healthy as Michael...Marlon
Brando before he turned Michael Moore-y. I did not cough, I had no mucus in my entire body, but there were some major side
effects.
It took me about an hour to really feel the effects of it, which was right in time for a substitute
teacher. Apparently, I could only hear things behind me, so anyone who was speaking directly to me sounded like a mime ...
an angry mime. Since I had lost my sanity, I simply mimicked them by moving my mouth in random ways without sound coming out.
Excluding the fact that they threw me out of the barricade for the code red drill, I think I made a good impression. Before
the Code Red drill (drill where you barricade yourself in case some guy ... a specific guy with a xanga ... has a gun on campus)
I was advised to talk about friendship. I came to the conclusion that two of my best friends were ostriches and bulls, which
at the time sounded like the platforms for new political parties... they did have different political beliefs... coincidence,
I think SO.. haha you didn't expect that, yes, I went there.
After that, I had asked people random questions like what if the sidewalk was in the middle
of the road? and why is is that iPods don't look like pods and what is a pod? and why are you looking at me like I'm stupid?
Either way, I found myself snickering uncontrollably at whatever they said, and observing
that people look funny when you can't hear what they say. So, after about half an hour of making people mad, we had that Code
Red drill. I put some desks up and I put my binders on top of the door barricade because I knew that no killer would withstand
my unorganized binders.
So then we were all barricaded and I started initiating small talk with others. There was
a certain person, who will remain unnamed, who was hidden under another desk in addition to the barricade, and I told her
that she would be the first person that would be noticed because of the desk and that it was very unlikely that there would
be a code red and an earthquake at the same time, or else it would kind of be the apocalypse. I decided to play Texas Hold
Em on my cell phone because that was fun and it disturbed me from saying stupid stuff.
The rest of the day my sanity slowly came back, so its not worth commenting now let's get
to what we have learned.
I'm sure Melvin is asking: "Gee Maximus, if Dayquil makes you lose your sanity, then why did
you take it?" Well Melvin, you little piglet, it's because it works so well that you will be so preoccupied with the things
around you that you will forget that you were ever sick.
Now, as always, we must ask ourselves, actually I'll just tell you guys, because I doubt that
you actually are asking yourself anything you un-inquisitive people. Basically, if you are sick and do not have to be in a
public place, I recommend Dayquil and Nyquil. If you have anything important like a job interview or something, stick with
Robitussim (who in God's name would make such a hard to spell product?) Yup, there's the paradox. Either keep your sanity
or keep your health.
I suppose its a bit odd that this article was primarily about me (rather than a different
group of people) but you know what, the only thing constant in life is change, and with that said I'm switching to Nyquil.
- Maximus
